If you read God Set me up on a Date then you know how my husband and I met, recap for those reading now. I met my husband in 2013 at the end of September from an online dating site! I had just gotten out of, yet another, bad relationship. Which I blamed myself for while! My anxiety just loved the fact that I was single and cheated on another time.
My anxiety causes me to think and think and think some more! I felt like pooh bear sitting in a corner but thinking about problems not for solutions.
So there I was nineteen and had a three-year old son, the last thing I needed was to be in another relationship. I was tired of getting hurt so I stopped looking purposely, for a month! My anxiety had other plans, it made me feel alone. I craved for the feeling of belonging, to be wanted by someone, for the feeling of love.
I’ll save you from the drama and skip the other parts.
After everything, I didn’t want to show my better half any part of it. I didn’t want to push him away with my troubled thoughts.
Seen we have been seeing each other for about a week or two he started to notice my dark cloud of thoughts and worries. I often said sorry for things that didn’t need the apology, I always asked are you sure and would repeat a scenario that my anxiety would throw at me. Curve balls that I didn’t expect!
He would reassure me! I wasn’t use to reassurance so i didn’t know how to react other that “I’m sorry I said that.” What he had said astonished me, you don’t need to be sorry for the way you think.
He wasn’t exactly telling me not to worry but he was showing me that he didn’t drive women to apologize for meaningless things like my anxiety had once told me.
Soon I learned that his words were truths, now I’m not saying everything was peachy and all rainbows from here on out. Lord knows that isn’t true. It has taken me almost five years to prove my anxiety wrong. I still have it in my relationship and my husband knows that but I don’t let it define what we have.
The Big News
If you knew my husband you would understand that he comes from a trouble background. I wont get into it because it isn’t something that needs to be shared like this. However just know he never had a good home or a mother like the most of us!
At one point in our relationship we discussed children, giving Lestat a brother or sister! I was all for the notion but maybe later on since we were barely together a year. However all my better half could muster up was a maybe. Why because he was told all his life that he couldn’t have kids.
I didn’t want to relive what had happened to me before, the wounds never truly healed from what Lestats
spermdonner biological father had done. So I agreed and said maybe one day to give him hope.
Well that one day happened, about a month after we had that talk, I had found out I was pregnant. I dreaded it for while, I didn’t know how to tell him! My anxiety raced like a raging ocean being realised from flood gate. So many unnecessary thoughts, doubts, scenarios, and worries.
HA you idiot it happened again, He’s going to leave you when you tell him, he’s going to say it isn’t his, when he does leave you what are you going to do raise two children by your self?
Let me just state that I am putting the thoughts I had to show you how cruel anxiety can torment your own mind..
Another thing that started racing in my worry panel was how my family might react.
I at some point since 2010 I always felt my family resented me, for getting pregnant at fifteen. I felt like the black sheep, not because they treated me that way but because my anxiety put me in that place.
However like an uncontrollable action, I had called my soon to be husband and told him I needed to see him. My mind stopped, it froze! My actions over powered by thoughts for a split second.
So I told him. At first he looked at me dumbfounded, asked if I was pulling a prank on him.
Told you he would think you were joking!
The as if he had been hit with a silly sick he got this goofy expression on his face. He was excited!
Needless to say in that moment I, for the first time in a long time, proved my anxiety wrong. I proved God prevailed. Although I didn’t claim Jesus until much later he still showed me grace that I didn’t deserve.
Together Five, Married Two
After Raina, came Markus,
which came with more anxieties but first we got married two months before he was born.
I couldn’t tell you the mixed emotions that raged through me all these years. I have my good day’s like I said where I can put everything a side and be normal.
Anyway, there have been times where my anxiety bum-rushes the door and barges in. Days where I over ask questions Do you love me still? What happens if you don’t love me anymore? What if we get a divorce and I’m left with three unruly animal-like children?
You know what he does still after five years, he kisses me on my forehead. He tells me “First off we aren’t getting a divorce! We are dying together of old age after spending the day in our rocking chairs behind the white picket fence drinking our Ice Tea! Remember”
AS much as I loved that thought my anxiety, for a while, always knew how to tear down the sweetness of what he said. It knew that we couldn’t possible die together.
He couldn’t know what the future holds, he is saying that now wait ten more years!
Part of what anxiety had given me was right he couldn’t know but that’s when God came into play. I wish I could say that’s when I was cured, and won my battle from years of tormenting thoughts. It doesn’t work like that! Anxiety can overthrow your relationships of you give it the power. It can tear down what you so desperately work building up. It finds the darkest moments to peek its little voice in a shove it in your face. I always found that my anxiety showed its face when I was alone. It took me a while to realize that is the perfect opportunity for the enemy (anxiety and other thoughts) to try to eat you up.
I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears
My fears feed my anxiety, just like depression can feed it. A lot of things go hand in hand with anxiety and depression. Nonetheless God also goes hand in hand in solving that algebraic problem. Anxiety eats away at you, it makes you one of two people at times. One is grouchy! You become angry at the thoughts and take it out by being grouchy and ill-tempered. The other is depressive! I have been both.
So as for my marriage up untill perviously, I have my good days and bad. Yep I said it again. You will hear it over and over. I have days where I break out in front of my husband paranoid with thoughts. Thoughts of his cheating, leaving or worse.
From pervious times of being hurt over and over, it was hard to trust and to understand that my other half was sincere about his intentions. I won’t say I have mastered my anxieties about my marriage, they find other things to pock and prod at, but they don’t bother my marriage as much as I thought they would. I found this an enlightening thought and thought I might share that there is hope
Hope that those who suffer from dark clouds, waves of emotions, and teasing voices! They can be smothered. For me if it wasn’t for help of God and praying I probably would be saying much worse. Seek help what ever, you see as help, even if it’s talking it out with your dog. It will come off your chest and you will feel lighter!